Everyone will go through loss at some point in their life. As you get older, the odds only increase. So we are all connected, or will be, through this shared experience.
Why am I so interested in grief? It is the mirror of love. The two are intertwined. I’m most fascinated by the parts of human experience in which the positives intermingle with the negatives so much so that they are indistinguishable. Mixed emotions, such as nostalgia. Or a fear of feeling good. For my dissertation, I studied “dampening appraisals,” or thoughts that blunt or cut short positive emotions (such as “this is too good to last”; more on that in a future post). I am interested in the intersection where good meets bad, pain meets pleasure, aching meets soothing… grief meets love. When explaining this to my partner the other night, an image of a zipper came to mind, where the teeth from different sides converge.
In this substack I plan to narrate my own personal experience of grief, related to losing my father from cancer about a month and a half ago on November 30th, 2023. He was larger than life. We were close and it is my first major loss in this way. I have found it tremendously helpful and moving to read about others’ personal experiences of grief, which have helped me to understand my own. It’s interesting to be a 31-year-old human having a completely new experience. Right now I feel drawn to document my grief, to write about it, to understand it, and hopefully to grow from it. I have felt pulled to consume scientific and psychological writing on the processes of death and grieving, topics which are so universal yet so mysterious and hidden. My natural way of coping seems to be voraciously reading and asking questions and trying to understand models of grief and what it all means, and perhaps intellectualizing (which is unsurprising for someone like me who tried to stay in school as long as possible. I recently graduated with my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from UCLA). In addition to academic-leaning explorations, I’ve also been consuming more personal mediums through music and storytelling. It’s interesting to notice my choice of the word consume, because these things have indeed nourished me.
What I’m reading and listening to now:
The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O’Connor, Ph.D.
The Needs of the Dying by David Kessler, M.D.
Anderson Cooper’s Podcast All There Is
Sufjan Steven’s album Javelin
Other people writing about their personal experience with grief on here, including:
I plan to discuss all of these texts, podcasts, and music in future posts about every other week, sharing my thoughts and what I resonate with along the way. I’ll also probably share memories of my dad. I have always wanted to write about the ideas I find most interesting, and to write freely without having to section off the different parts of myself. Years ago, while a graduate student, I had the idea to start a blog called Emotion Lotion, where I would share about affective science (the study of emotions) and how it translates to mental health. I may still do some of that here. But now seems mainly like the right time to get more personal. I am, and we all are, multifaceted people. I am a therapist, researcher, musician, songwriter, and person experiencing grief. I have made music as one half of the band Summer Underground with my beloved partner and solo as Sandwoman. I plan to explore emotion in an interdisciplinary manner through all of these parts of myself. (I’m clearly returning to my roots as an alum of NYU Gallatin).
Maybe I’ll share some original music here or notes app poetry. Maybe we can read a book together. Or you could leave me a comment with what other things I should consume. Come at me with your most devastating albums, interesting metaphysical books, random TikTok’s, and memes. Sending love to anyone who is reading this with a heavy heart. I hope you follow along with me and that a shred of what I share here connects.
Love this and you. Thank you for being vulnerable with us in your healing journey. This was an absolutely beautiful read ❤️
Hello! I’m a long time listener of The Summer Underground, short time reader of Emotion Lotion. I’m currently taking some psych courses to apply to grad school for art therapy. I’m a disabled artist whose dormant autoimmune condition was triggered by the loss of my emotional support dog. I deal with grief everyday, both through the losses of loved ones, but also grief pertaining to the person I was before my condition became disabling. On the subject of grief, my favorite song is “You” by Keaton Henson. Hearing the lyric “if you must die sweetheart/ die knowing your life was my life’s best part” felt like the key that unlocked the beginning of my emotional healing journey.
Pardon my ramblings. I just wanted to share how excited I am to find this substack, as grief is a huge part of my life. I look forward to reading whatever you choose to share!